*Sigh* Here lately it seems I never have a moment to myself, everyone around me wants me to come over and hang out and its fun but I guess I can listen and talk to them (my friends) but I can't really TALK to them, I miss Tyla. I can trust everyone I know but I just don't feel comfortable telling them my problems....Tyla always understood when we talked about each others troubles. I used to talk to my sister but she has so much going on lately we never see each other and she gets so biased I cant tell her if I don't understand why my boyfriend is upset all the time, she would just hate him and be mean. She tells me stuff about her boyfriend and I don't act against him I just try to help HER feel better or try to understand (if I can, usually I cant) what he is going through. She wouldn't do that with me, she would just have a reason to hate Justin.
They never say it but It seems like if the two are around (my boyfriend and my sis) my sister is mean to him and wants me to catch him at something and he sees it and hates her for trying to split us up. He always says he likes her but I look at him while shes saying some of these things that aren't really mean but they have that undertone like hes lazy or a lier and his face is screaming why are you such a bitch! what did I do to you? look. I love my sister, but I love him too. I feel like shes jealous of him sometimes because we don't hang out as much but She doesn't understand we don't live together anymore and I have a separate life now, errands of my own to run. A job. Different schedules.... I don't know, it just seems like trying to talk to her anymore just puts me in a deeper slump and mad at her for being so harsh on Justin and mad at Justin for whatever she told me. (even if it is an exaggeration)
I go over to my neighbours house a lot but she doesn't really know me and I don't feel comfortable telling her about my personal problems and They help us so much I don't want to bother her any more than I'm sure we already do.
Tyla always knew what to say, we always had similar problems and we were able to relate well. I miss that. She never seemed to get jealous if I spoke to someone else or had an evening with my boyfriend and she never hated him or was mean just because I was having an argument. She always looked at it like He is my boyfriend but he is also a person and we all have our flaws.
Justin, I love him. I wish I could tell him everything but sometimes He just seems to busy or I worry he might get mad over the wrong reasons and we end up just fighting (like it has before)
I sometimes get so stressed and I know he knows it but I don't want to tell him because I don't want him to worry about the same things I do like what about rent, or are we gonna be able to get shampoo this month or should I just get the laundry detergent instead. Or what if our dog pisses the wrong people off and he gets hurt or we lose a friend, or what happens if I lose my job? Will we ever get a car? I get mad sometimes because I will talk to him and he will just walk out the door or to the next room when I turn around I realise I'm alone talking to no one and no one cares. I feel so stupid when that happens. Sometimes I cuss and he hears that, just nothing else I spoke about the previous 15 min.
I'm tired of having to ask for a ride to get things like tampons or face wash, make up (girly things) or what if I want to get a burger or go out to eat with my boyfriend? I cant because I don't have enough money to buy us something and two more people who took us to get it. We never have time for our self it seems like and when we do, we have no money or he wants to play a game instead. I used to try to get him to notice something I did different or wear something new. I have nothing new and he is always to tired or to busy or sick or hurt. I get sick and I get tired to. I even hurt a lot to when Ive been running a machine at work all day or I'm just having on of those bad cramps that dosent just effect your gut. The ones that make you have a headache and your back hurt where all you can do is sit in the shower and cry, oh yeah I have problems to but no one notices.
I don't complain like most people, usually if someone is sick they tell everyone or if they have a pain in their back or legs or stomach or mouth even they tell everyone and everyone knows and they get pampered. I don't like telling everyone when I hurt or I'm sick so I never get pampered. I never get that back rub just because I was tired or He thought it might ease the pain from somewhere else, or just wanted to love on me a bit. I cant help but want to love on Justin when I get in the bed, i want to count his freckles and feel every curve of his body.... I think it annoys him but I cant help it. I love him so much! I wish he wanted to do those things to me. Last night I watched him sleep, he looks so happy when he is asleep, he is so beautiful. I studied his eye lashes and his cheek bones and followed his brow lines that are some how the perfect shape. his nose is so cute and his mouth is just *takes a breath* wow, i love his lips i hope our children have his lips.
Maybe I'm just selfish, maybe I don't complain because I don't hurt as bad as everyone around me does. I don't know.
Sometimes I just want to be alone and think and talk to myself and make myself feel better so no one else has to and I wont be such a self centered person. I work all week and so the weekend comes and everyone wants me to come out and say hi and hang out with them. I never get a chance to just relax. The time I wanted to use to clean my disgusting excuse of a house and just do something for my self for once is gone before I get a chance to sit down and I already have to go back to work, feeling worse then i did the week before. No one ever seems to wonder what I might think or how I might be feeling, if I don't come over they think I must be blowing them off for something great (usually its to go get groceries or things to clean with) and get mad so I catch these stupid stupid undertones for the rest of the week like I'm to busy for them or I'm a lier. I let my phone die on purpose so I won't have to talk to anyone and no one can get mad if I don't want to come over.
Sometimes I look at girls at work and walking down the street. There all so happy, telling each other their problems and going shopping together because they both know exactly what the other person likes. Sometimes I wish I had what they have. I never go shopping with my friends or tell any one my problems, Every friend Ive ever had has lives of their own to far away to worry about where I'm at. I don't really have any friends. I cant see my neighbour wanting to just hang out or my sister going shopping and knowing just what I like. I cant go with Justin, he is a guy and guys just don't do those kind of things. My mom is to far away and if I wanted to try to go anywhere with his mom Id feel like I had to hurry and only get what I need, no time to look around and window shop her husband is waiting in the car or next isle. Wow, I have a sister and a neighbour. I cant really talk to them even though there great. I have no one.
I have no fashion since. I know this now because I went to take my dog for a walk yesterday and some girl stoped in her car and handed me a card.... she said "You could look really cute if you didn't shop at wal mart! here i go here all the time!" and handed me a card. I put it in my shorts pocket. she drove off. I had green flip flops (the only ones i own) a pair of cut off blue jean shorts (The jeans were ones I wore in the 7th grade) and a tank top Ive had since the 10th grade. I'm 20. Needless to say I spent today in the bathroom trying to make my clothes match and put on make up and do my hair. I don't want another car to pull up and hand me another card. Luke helped though he was exceptionally good while I walked to the end of the street trying not to cry. Stupid card, It was a place to get sexy panties and club wear.... I wanted to go though. I want to feel pretty and have cute clothes that arent hand me downs or so old they dont fit me right anymore.
I guess I just miss Tyla. She was always there when I needed to talk to someone and I miss us being the girls that are going to go shopping and look at the girl section in the stores, I want to go to that section, I miss that part of the stores. I think about it every time I go but I get embarrassed because Im with my boyfriend or the people who drove me are waiting for me to get what i needed so we can go home.
I don't know. I guess even though I'm never alone, I guess I'm just lonely.
